Feasting Friday- Zucchini Pasta with Chicken

Finally it is summer. Well, sort of summer, the weather in Chicago cannot make up its mind, and I have yet to spend any time in a pool, which always seems the true harbinger of summer to me. But I am delighted to report that the official kick-off of summer cooking has hit me.

Gone (mostly) are my cravings for macaroni and cheese and roasted root vegetables and braised meats, and arrived is compelling desire for fresh veggies and fruits and lighter fare. Cherries, a favorite fruit, have begun to come in, as has watermelon. Asparagus is everywhere. And zucchini and other soft squashes are tender off the vine and utterly without the tough bitterness of the versions you get in the colder months.

Since Charming Suitor and I are both committed to eating reasonably healthy when we cook at home (so that we don’t have to worry as much when we eat out), it has been a time of experimentation and discovery. It is hard to believe we didn’t know each other last year at this time (or since birth), but CS didn’t come into my life till the Fall, so we are enjoying the revelations of our mutual love of summer cookery. CS is a grill master, a tamer of the flames, and is mostly in charge of proteins…a lovely stream of perfectly moist and juicy items have been coming off his Weber, well seasoned and delicious. I’ve been in charge of side dishes and salads, and between us, dinner is usually significantly above average. ( I will wax poetical in a future post about the ribs he made for our first jointly-hosted BBQ last weekend, but let me just say that if you do not have a pitmaster from Kentucky in your life, GO GET ONE RIGHT NOW! Yum.)

Sometimes, though, we just want a simple dish, no courses, minimal fussing, no coals. Dinner you can eat in one bowl with one utensil, preferably over your lap on the couch watching something mindless and fun.

When I was doing my intensive health program last Fall and Winter, this dish saved me. I made it at least two to three times a week. Since I will never give up carbs, especially pasta, it helped me get my fix without derailing my program. It is pretty simple, just pasta and chicken and zucchini in a light lemony sauce. But because there are equal amounts of pasta and zucchini cut into pasta-like strands, you get all the pleasure of twirling up large forkfuls with half the carbs. Plus, and this is really always the most important part, it is really freaking delectable!



(Thanks to gimmesomeoven.com for the photo)

It is a recipe I developed while working on GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT, the kind of dish the chef-heroine would be serving up at her healthy gourmet café. Whole grain or multi grain pastas work great here, as does Quinoa pasta for the gluten-free people. I use chicken breasts for maximum lightness, but boneless skinless thighs are great in this for deeper flavor, as is veal.

I made it a couple of weeks ago for the first time for Charming Suitor who did a massive euphoric eye roll and said “I just wanna stick my face in it and blow bubbles.” Which is pretty high praise for something that is actually good for you!

When it come to prepping the zucchini, you can certainly do it by hand, but I am less patient, so I love the Swissmar Julienne Peeler.  I got mine in a set of three, with a regular and a serrated peeler as well.  They are sharp as the dickens, the Y shape is very comfortable and easy to use, and they go right in the dishwasher.  For this dish it makes the zucchini "noodles" perfectly and in seconds.  They are very affordable, so I'm planning on getting another set for Charming Suitor's house!

What are your go-to healthy dishes that don’t feel like deprivation? Share with the class!

And because I am true and blue to my wonderful hometown…GO HAWKS!!!!


Zucchini Pasta with Chicken

3/4 pound dried linguini or spaghettini or other long strand pasta (I use whole grain or multi grain, but use what you like)
3/4 pound zucchini
1 T butter
2 T olive oil
1 small shallot, minced fine (opt)
¼ c dry white wine
½ lb boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into strips zest and juice of one lemon
¼ c chicken stock
S&P to taste
1 T coarsely chopped fresh parsley leaves
2 T fresh chive, chopped
1/2 cup grated Parmesan

Bring a large pot of water to a boil and add salt. Add the pasta and cook until al dente, about 10 minutes. (plan to reserve ½ c cooking water)

While the water comes to a boil and the pasta cooks, cut the zucchini into long strands that mimic the pasta…Again, the Swissmar julienne peeler is ideal for this, just running it around the outside of the zucchini and not using the pulpy seed part. You can also do this on a mandolin, or make long julienne by hand. (The idea is to be able to twirl the zucchini up with the pasta, but if you don’t care, you can cut it into half moons, it will still be delicious!)

Heat oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat until hot. Add the shallot, and cook till translucent. Add chicken and sauté briefly until light brown. Deglaze the pan with the wine and let reduce till almost gone. Add chicken stock, lemon juice and lemon zest. Swirl in butter. Taste for salt and pepper. Toss in zucchini strands and then immediately add cooked pasta and combine. Add the cheese and herbs and enough reserved pasta water to ensure the sauce is smooth, and toss to combine well. Taste again for seasoning and add salt and pepper, as needed. Grate about 2 more tablespoons Parmesan over the top and serve at once.

Yours in good taste,
The Polymath

The Parlor and The Kitchen- Cooking Magazines

Welcome to our new regular Tuesday feature, The Parlor and the Kitchen, posts devoted to all things cooking and entertaining. (Even if the only person you are cooking for and entertaining is yourself.

This is my opportunity to share my ideas for parties large and small, my favorite cooking tools and techniques, as well as lovely and functional items for home and table. Anything that makes my life easier, more pleasurable, or more filled with beauty.

Some things to be aware of with this and all future postings:

1. I am not paid for endorsing the items I write about. This is mostly because I am not famous enough to be worth any money for saying I like stuff.

2. I am totally open to being paid for endorsing items, so if any of you know people in the industry, feel free to recommend me as a spokesperson, I come very cheap.

3. When writing about gadgets or equipment or specialty ingredients, I do often accept samples or review copies to play with from the companies that produce them. I do not guarantee good press or favorable posts in exchange. I accept them happily since I am a freelance writer of meager means, which doesn’t mean I don’t want to tell you about cool stuff you might want to have! Besides, as things go along there will be fun contests with prizes, which will be sponsored by these companies, meaning you all get a shot at some cool free stuff. But it is important that you know that this is a full disclosure site. It is also important to know that if I write it, I mean it. No different than if you mom bought you a bag you love as a present and you tell all your friends how great it is. Just because I get to test stuff out for free, doesn’t mean I’m sweetening the post. Frankly, there are plenty of people who love to snark about stuff, and I certainly have my moments. These posts are only for the positive…I’m only interested in stuff that is worth having, and don’t want to waste writing time on stuff that doesn’t work.

4. I am very open to suggestions and input, so feel free to tell me about your own favorite things or things you have been thinking about and aren’t sure if they will work for you. Ditto recipe requests. I love to share recipes.

So, having said all of that, today I want to talk about one of my top ten cooking tools. It isn’t a special knife or a perfect pot or a genius gadget. It is cooking magazines.

I am a cooking magazine addict. I subscribe to: Bon Appetit, Saveur, Food and Wine, Cooks Illustrated, Fine Cooking (in which one of my “tips” was published not only in the mag but in their book!), and I miss Gourmet like a constant ache. I have, over the years, succumbed to Cooking Light, Pastry Chef, and others, but these were short flings, and didn’t stick in my permanent roster.

Now, chickens, you might well say “Who in their right mind needs to subscribe to five or six different cooking magazines?” And my answer is, YOU!

Well, you if you love to cook and entertain. If you don’t then obviously it won’t be much fun, but if you do, then these things can be your best friends. A terrific source for interesting ideas about food, foodie travel recommendations, hot new ingredients and easy to follow recipes. Plus pretty pictures! I find them deeply enjoyable, much more than other types of magazines. I get wonderfully inspired, and usually within a week of their arrival, have tried something new in my kitchen. Even if it is just buying a vegetable I usually ignore or trying a technique I’ve never tried, the magazines make everything seem new and shiny.

Without my years of cooking magazine reading I would not know about grains of paradise, my go-to-instead-of-black-pepper seasoning. I wouldn’t be a convert to using my slow cooker for more than just keeping things hot on a buffet. I would never have tasted Korean black garlic, mugolio sweet pine syrup, or Sicilian red grapefruit marmalade. I would not have learned about one of my favorite ways to cook new potatoes --boil till done, smash with the bottom of a glass till they look like splayed out carcasses, put on a sheet pan, drizzle with olive oil, sprinkle with salt and pepper (grains of paradise) and roast at 400 degrees until crispy…YUM!

My shelves are filled with useful cookbooks I bought because I loved the review in a magazine. There are tips and tricks I use all the time that I picked up in their glossy pages. I have cooked and adapted their recipes. They have led me to great tools, and kept me away from lousy ones. It is one of my grand ambitions to have my writing someday grace their pages.

In the meantime, let me recommend without reservations, the following:

Saveur- this is food porn of the highest order, and which is best, every recipe I have ever tried works like a charm. Gorgeous photography, well-written intelligent articles, and really useful info. If you can only subscribe to one glossy, this is it!

Cooks Illustrated Magazine- homey and rustic, one step up from a newsletter, but with serious research behind the articles. Best for useful tips and tricks, and for the “best of” recipes…basics made perfect by trial and error. Bonus, their website is amazing and totally worth the additional subscription cost.

Bon Appetit- with Gourmet’s demise, this becomes the new Grande Dame. It has gone through a makeover recently that I don’t adore, but the content remains solid. They are best for their less exotic recipes, if something sounds a little odd when you read it, don’t bother. But if it looks delish, it probably will be. A great mag for a newer cook who is ready to start branching out in the kitchen.

Fine Cooking- A lovely thin little waif of a mag, but with serious recipe punch. And a good source for interesting new ingredients.

Food and Wine- As my Charming Suitor is a pretty serious wine guy, this has recently become a much more interesting mag for me….I used to skip over a lot of the wine articles, but now I read them and find them much more interesting and useful than I previously assumed. But I always loved the food articles and recipes!

If you aren’t sure if one of these is for you, head out to the newsstand and pick them all up and try them out.

Or do what I do, and pick them all!

Yours in good taste,
The Polymath

Feasting Friday- Mashed Potatoes

Welcome to the first official Feasting Friday post! Every Friday there will be a post about something I have cooked, including the recipe, hopefully in time to inspire you to think about what you might make over the weekend, or to put it on your list for next week. I love a challenge, so feel free to let me know if you have a dish you've been looking for a good version of, or to share your own recipe for the same dish!


Since the inspiration for this new feature is the recipe development I did for my new book, GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT, I thought I would start with something inspired by the book!

When it comes to entertaining, as a passionate home cook and unabashed foodie, I certainly went through my ultra-gourmet phase. Every dinner party was an opportunity to pull out every trick in the book, every plating stolen from fancy restaurants and cooking magazines…vertical presentations and sauce-painted plates and uber-formal service.

Essentially, I turned myself into a galley slave in my own kitchen, never able to fully enjoy my own parties.

Luckily for me, I wised up and realized that the best parties are the ones where the hostess is relaxed and having a good time, and most importantly, PARTICIPATING, and not trapped in the kitchen making caramel spirals or composed salad towers. When I let go of the need to prove I could do all those culinary acrobatics and came to a place where all I needed to do was provide good food and good company, I started having a great time entertaining my friends.

Yes, I can make Pommes Soufflés, those magical twice-fried potato slices that puff up in the second frying. But I am prouder of my Mashed Potatoes.




(This is not a pic of mine, FYI, this is a pic borrowed from Odintangvald for which I am grateful, and hopefully I will get better at taking pics of food that do not make them look gray and unappetizing!)

Mashed potatoes were not a staple in my house growing up. In fact, the only mashed potatoes that ever got made at home were Instant Potato Buds, much to the horror of our cleaning lady who informed my mom that those were just for babies!

I didn’t learn how to make real mashed potatoes until I was in college, and once I started, there was no stopping me. They quickly became my most comforting of comfort foods, and one of my favorite things to make for dinner parties or to bring to friend’s houses for dinner. Simple, with just milk and butter and salt and pepper, or gussied up with cheeses or herbs or crumbled bacon. The ultimate soul-soothing mouthful, instant crowd pleaser, generically beloved and a good friend of veggies and proteins alike.

When I was writing GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT, I had to think a great deal about comfort foods. The heroine, Melanie, is a formerly heavy woman who has worked very hard to lose half of her body weight through diet and exercise. In the process, she leaves her career in the law, goes to culinary school and does a certification program in holistic nutrition. In her new life as a chef, she has opened a healthy gourmet take-out café, focusing on providing her customers with food that is a delicious as it is nutritious, as satisfying for the soul as it is good for the body. And because I wanted to show everyone that it is possible to have healthy versions of the foods we all love without them tasting like lawn clippings and sawdust, I took my original recipes for decadent comfort foods and adapted them into healthier versions.

The first place I started was Mashed Potatoes.

There are over 35 recipes in the back of GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT, and in most cases, they are a pair…one original version and then a companion lighter version of the same dish or a light dish that gives the same flavor profiles. Click here to Pre-Order your copy!

For those of you who have no need or desire to lighten things up, I give you my personal go-to recipe, the mash I make for Thanksgiving and to bring to friends when they are blue and for dinner parties. For those of you who want to indulge without derailing a health-conscious program, I offer you a lighter version that is still delicious.

Mashed Potatoes—Decadent Version
Serves 2 to 4

2 pounds Yukon gold potatoes
½ to 1 cup whole milk or half-and-half
4 tablespoons sour cream( you can substitute equal amount of either crème fraîche or mascarpone cheese)
4 tablespoons butter, softened
2 tablespoons chopped chives
Salt and pepper to taste

Peel potatoes and cut into large chunks. Put in pot and cover with cold water. When water comes to a boil, add 2 tablespoons salt to water, and cook until potatoes are tender. Mash with ½ cup milk and the sour cream. Add more milk to get the texture you prefer. Add melted butter and chives and season to taste.

Possible Add-ins:
½ cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese, grated smoked gouda, or crumbled goat cheese
½ cup crumbled bacon
¼ cup fried sage leaves
½ c crispy fried onions or shallots
½ c fried capers

Mashed Potatoes—Light Version from GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT
Serves 6
2 pounds Yukon gold potatoes
½ to 1 cup skim milk
4 tablespoons light sour cream (can substitute 2% Greek yogurt)
1 tablespoon butter, softened
2 tablespoons chopped chives
Salt and pepper to taste

Peel potatoes and cut into large chunks. Put in pot and cover with cold water. When water comes to a boil, add 2 tablespoons salt to water, and cook until potatoes are tender. Mash with ½ cup milk and the sour cream. Add more milk to get the texture you prefer. Add melted butter and chives and season to taste.

Yours in good taste,
The Polymath

Mais OUI!

Hello Chickens!


First off, I want to express my deep and genuine gratitude to everyone who participated in last week’s “Get Stacey to #40 on Amazon on her 40th Birthday” challenge. While we didn’t quite get all the way there, we did get me as high as #991, which is pretty freaking awesome, especially considering that I began the day at #852,136!



So thank you to those of you who pre-ordered your book, and encouraged others to do so. For those of you who have not yet pulled the plug, I’m a big believer in belated birthday presents and will be just as excited to watch my numbers this week as well!
Click Here to Pre-Order

In addition to the festival of pre-ordering, there was much fantastic celebrating. Some fellow Geminis and I celebrated en masse last Monday, which was a true delight. Then the family and best pals party sponsored by Mom and Dad was on Tuesday. So amazing to be in a room with so many of my most favorite people, some of whom had flown in for the occasion from faraway places. Little Sister gave a beautiful toast, reminding me once again that she is the best damn present my parents ever gave me. Dad spoke on behalf of himself and Mom, and let me just say that it is a very good thing I had access to a hankie. Dinner was nothing short of spectacular, thanks to chef Gil, and if you are anywhere near Chicago (or planning a visit) I implore you to come to his restaurant Chalkboard and partake of his bounty. Four words. Smoked Gouda Mac ‘n Cheese. (for a little review I did, click here)


Then Charming Suitor made a very beautiful speech which made me cry all over again. I know I don’t give too much away on that front, and there are many of you who want more details about my lovely CS. I adore you all, but it is important to me to be sensitive to the fact that CS signed up for me, but not for having his whole life exposed to the world. And there is stuff that I like to keep for just us.


But I will say the following, feeling confident that it is okay to share:


He is, without a doubt, the most extraordinary man I have ever known, and while I knew love like this existed in the world (having witnessed it in my parents’ relationship), I had never felt it firsthand until now. Everything I ever wanted, even the little stuff you are always afraid to even put on your list, and a whole bunch of stuff I didn’t know I should be wanting. He is taking very good care of me in every possible way and I am in a fairly constant state of joy.


Which seems to be apparent to everyone, since my Dad publically toasted CS for “putting that s***-eating grin on her face”. Not kidding.


More on CS in a moment….


After I finished being blown away by my great good fortune of having found such a lovely man to make a life with, and got my weepies under control, it was time for cake.



Sweet fancy Moses, this was a good cake! (and yes, that is the lovely Jen Lancaster and her hubby Fletch with the devil eyes lurking behind the cake, and yes, I did try to get the red-eye out, but could not)

I got it from Vanille Patisserie, and they did an incredible job. Banana cake with caramel cream and fresh sliced bananas and vanilla buttercream frosting. Oh. My. Goodness.

(And if you don’t think it was a nice pairing with the impromptu Manhattan Milkshakes Gil whipped up, you would be very very wrong.)

I could not have asked for a better birthday, but it wasn’t over yet, since my beloved CS had been planning to whisk me away to an undisclosed location for the weekend, turning the week into, by his accounting, full-on Staceypalooza. (Have I mentioned I am a very lucky girl?)

He was very keen and cunning and (with some help from Little Sister) planned the whole trip and kept it secret until the very last minute. I didn’t know where we were going until we were waiting for the cab to the airport!

The winning city…

MONTREAL

And let me just say, if you have never been, GO. It is a wonderful city. We stayed in the Old section, with cobblestone streets and very cool architecture. CS snagged us reservations at three spectacular restaurants, and all three tied for the best, we just could never choose between them! If you could even get to just one on your visit, you will not be disappointed, see below for info.

We walked the botanical gardens, saw the Olympic stadium, went antiquing, and found very cool little boutiques. We tasted the traditional Montreal Bagel at the Fairmount, which was fantastic and chewy and lighter than a classic NYC bagel. We partook of the famous Smoked Meat sandwiches at Schwartz’s, sublime salty meaty goodness, and a place to give Manny’s a run for its money. We tasted old fashioned Maple Snow Candy at a historic street fair, and wandered two of the best markets we had ever been to. The city is both old and new, French and Canadian, cosmopolitan and village. The best of all worlds.

They do fail at signage, so if you go, don’t be surprised to constantly be exiting Metro stations to discover no direction at all to get you to the places you are there to see! Be sure to keep your maps with you, and don’t be afraid to ask for directions.

I, on the other hand, fail at walking, and managed to sprain my ankle for the eleventy-millionth time at the end of our second day. Not the worst, as CS caught me mid-swanlike flight, so not as bad as it might have been had I ended up face-planting in the middle of Saint Something or other Boulevard. But it is a darling and refreshing shade of blue, and somewhat squarish with swelling. It goes at this point nearly without saying that CS made sure I had Advil and ice packs and a steadying wrap, and other than one or two cabs we might have avoided, it did not unduly hamper the rest of the trip, nor diminish our enjoyment.

Amazing amazing week all the way around.

In other news, there are going to be some exciting features here in the old Chronicles in the coming weeks. We are going to have two new regular cooking posts! The Parlor and The Kitchen on Tuesdays, which will highlight my favorite cooking equipment old and new, fantastic food-reads, good sources for cool stuff for entertaining and tableware, as well as gadgets galore. And Feasting Fridays will have information on fun ingredients, and either original recipes, (or ones from friends who share theirs, fully attributed of course), just in time for you to plan your weekend shopping! Feasting Fridays will begin this week, and we will be starting with some recipes from the new book, which has a mini-cookbook in the back. The Parlor and the Kitchen will kick off next week.

For both features, I am always happy to get suggestions, so if you have an ingredient or piece of equipment you think I should know about, shoot me a note. And if you have an ingredient you don’t know what to do with, let me know and I will see if I can’t come up with something for you.

Places to eat in Montreal:

Le Club Chasse e t PecheAu Pied de Cochon
Toque

Happy Birthday To Me

Friends-

Today, as many of you know, I am 40. My parents find this nearly impossible, as they too are 40.

I know for some, hitting a milestone like this is more bitter than sweet, the official beginning of Middle Age. But for me, I take great pleasure in hitting the big 4-0.

First of all, it means presents and cake. How on earth could that be bad?

Second, I am smart enough to know how blessed I am, and I have truly never been happier, never been in a better place, never been more delighted to be me as I am right now.

I think 40 is a perfect age for me. I’m old enough to know better, and still young enough to sometimes pretend not to know better. I’m still young enough to be out till 2am when the mood strikes, but old enough to take myself home to bed at eleven without being at all concerned that I will “miss something”. I’m old enough to have longtime friends with decades of memories, and young enough to take joy in finding new ones.

And I’m old enough to know that you have to ask for what you need or you don’t have the right to be disappointed if you don’t get it.

Want to help me celebrate this milestone? That’s the easy part…

My new book, Good Enough to Eat, is coming out September 7. It is a book about a chef in Chicago who is also 40, who has her life turned upside down when, after struggling for two years to lose half her body weight, her husband up and leaves her for a woman twice her size! I am very proud of it, and I think you and yours will enjoy it. There is even a mini cookbook of recipes in the back!


The book is officially available for pre-order on Amazon. Here is what pre-ordering does for me…the more people that pre-order the bigger the buzz. Amazon’s computer server will start thinking that this is going to be a big book and it will get moved up in the roster of pop-ups and suggested reading hints. My publisher will see the pre-order numbers and think it is going to be a big book and will do a larger print-run. The sales force will see the larger print run and know that they will have to push the book harder with the bookstores, who will order more copies, and the more copies they order the better the in-store displays, and the better the displays the better sales and the better sales the happier Stacey is to be 40! Plus it helps with the whole “I’d really like to get another contract write another book for you people to read.” thing.

So, in honor of my birthday, I am asking you to click the link below and order your copies! (Note, I did say copies, plural. I’m 40, people, let’s think in multiples, shall we?) Send a note or forward this one to everyone you ever met, even the people you don’t like very much, and encourage them to order copies. Put it on your book club’s calendar for the Fall, and get them to order their copies. Post it on your Facebook, write about it on your blog, Tweet to your heart’s content!

My personal goal is to get to #40 on Amazon in honor of turning 40. So check the numbers periodically during the day, and if I’m not there, well then, order more! Tweet louder! It’s Tuesday, people are bored at work and the weekend is a million miles off, so get your whole office in on the game.

I adore you all and thank you in advance for your support, your well-wishes, and for being a part of making my life so wonderful.

Now let’s go out there and get me to #40!!!!!

Good Enough to Eat Pre-Order CLICK HERE

There is No App For That

It is official. I am a marketing sucker. No better than a kid who sees a commercial for Super Bubble Sugar Bombs Breakfast cereal promising a secret decoder ring in the box, and becomes a single-minded creature wracked by longing, feverish with desire. I love pretty packaging, I am powerless in the face of "coolness" and the right spokesperson can make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

And I really REALLY wanted to not want an IPad. I wanted to acknowledge Apple’s genius, to respect the sleek packaging, and yet, to not have a soul-sucking sense of covetousness every time I see the damn billboards and commercials.

I am not being terribly successful in this endeavor.

The logical, intelligent side of me recognizes that I have talked myself into many small gadgets, a significant percentage of them Apple products, over the years. One of these is myIPod Touch, which I love and adore and which has literally made both air travel and exercise not only tolerable, but often even pleasant and entertaining. And since the IPad is essentially the Honey, I Blew Up The Baby version of my lovely Touch, there really isn’t much need. Or ANY need. The Touch does every single thing that the IPad would do, just smaller. It is not an investment that I have any single reason to make. I have the Kindle App, which allows me to read books. I can watch movies and television easily. I can check the scores of my teams and read the top news stories and play games. And since, despite my rapidly advancing age, my eyesight is still good, there is not one of these things that needs to happen on a larger scale. And then there are all those other delicious Apps. The Moron Test, and the cool travel stuff. I have a dream dictionary which helps me determine the meaning of that weird black and white octupus chasing me in the night (actual meaning, don't eat pizza close to bedtime). I have the Louvre App if I need to see some art RIGHT NOW. I have Apps to find places to eat, and Apps to find taxis, I even have an App solely for the identification of cheese.

My friend Jen Lancaster is part of a new syndicated column called Humor Hotel, and her most recent article is about the Apps she wishes they made. I especially like her idea for a “How Long do I Have to Get Home Before the Pit Bull Whizzes in the Basement” App. Because I hate that Jen has to constantly battle the effluvious emissions of her menagerie, but also because I spend time in that basement, and it is always more enjoyable if it does not smell like pit pee. The article is really funny, you should read it here.

But it got me thinking about my own list of Apps that would be useful….

For example, I am in a constant battle with my digestive system, which alternately works totally fine (and therefore craves things that are not particularly healthy for it, in quantities which contribute to my lifelong struggle with the size of my butt), and then goes all catawampus and makes me bilious and unable to fully enjoy life. As a result, I am beyond diligent about food safety. I throw away anything with an expiration date the second the clock hits midnight on that day, and no amount of smelling it and telling me it is fine can stop me. Leftovers and prepared foods from the store hit the can after two days. I won’t buy meat on sale, even if I plan to cook it that night, because I am sure it is close to being thoroughly toxic. I won’t eat street food, no matter how delicious it smells, no matter how clean the cart and cook looks, not even if Anthony Bourdain himself has touted it as the best damn whatever he has ever put in his gaping maw.

My life as a passionate foodie and cook is also an exercise in “please PLEASE please let me not throw up”. My poor Charming Suitor is bearing the brunt of this mania, since he lives much more on the edge of funky when it comes to foodstuffs, and quite rightly feels that my obsessiveness in this area is a little severe. I am working on trying not to say “you are going to eat those leftovers from FIVE DAYS AGO?!?!” when I am at his house, since his relationship with his tummy is his own business, and to my knowledge, he does not poison himself with any regularity. On the flip side, he also had to spend a truly miserable weekend with me out at the Farm where I managed to give myself water poisoning (algae in the water cooler, who knew?) and had to entertain himself while I spent the better part of the day communing with the toilet instead of taking romantic walks or going exploring. So he does understand and is very tolerant of my need for caution.

So I would dearly love a “Go Ahead and Eat That” App that would tell me yay or nay on whether something I am about to consider eating is going to cause gastric holocaust.

A “World’s Best Boyfriend GPS Locator” App sure would have come in handy during the years I spent endlessly dating badly while Charming Suitor was living only 2.4 miles away from me.

Ditto a “Profile Lie Detector” App for all those online guys and gals who create interesting fictions about themselves and waste the time of those of us who actually like their potential dates single, age appropriate, and honest. A "There Will Not Be Anyone There For You" Event App would also be great for Singles who often feel obliged to get reasonably dolled up and attend things they aren't actually interested in on the off chance their soul mate might be there.

While mine is pretty finely tuned, I have plenty of pals who could really use a “Gaydar” App, so that they can stop inventing romances with guys they “have such a strong chemistry with” but who are not actually on their team.

A “How Long Before I Kill This Plant” App would come in handy for people like me who have black thumbs, since plunking down $20 on a Home Depot potted orchid is only cost effective if I can get at least a month out of it before it is terminal.

Or a “Your Friend Will Get Three of Those” present detector App, to eliminate embarrassment at birthday parties, weddings and baby showers.

I would dearly love a “Safe to Leave the Bathroom” App that would warn me if my skirt was tucked into the back of my tights or if I had a toilet paper runner attached to my shoe. Order now and it comes with a trial version of a “You Have Something Stuck in Your Teeth” App.

And a "There is a Mindless Marathon of Some Stupidly Enjoyable Guilty Pleasure Show That You Are Too Embarassed to Tivo On This Weekend" App would really assist in creating the need to be at home of a Sunday.

For now, I am still enjoying the heck out of my IPod Touch, and the Apps that do exist. And I’m working on my knee-jerk “I WANT” reaction to the IPad.

If only a “You Don’t Really Need That” App was on the market to talk me off the ledge.

What Apps do you need in your life?

Urine Always On My Mind

This past Saturday night Charming Suitor and I co-hosted our first dinner party. A blending of two couples that are good friends of his (and quickly becoming some of my favorite people) and one couple from my gang. All foodies and wine lovers, including one fine-dining chef and one owner of amazing wine store, who tucked happily and enthusiastically into a feast prepared by me and CS, and some truly special bottles from CS’s cellar…including a 1959 Anjou which was about one of the best things I have ever drunk in my entire life.

It was amazing to plan and execute a party with a partner who is both interested in the proceedings and a really skilled compatriot in the kitchen, and every part of it was enormous fun, from deciding the menu to washing the dishes.

SIDENOTE: Can I just say, cheese course is always a good idea, especially if you are smart enough to find one nibble that will change the lives of your guests, which for us was the ridiculously creamy and fantastic Lake’s Edge…a mold-ripened goat cheese with a line of vegetable ash running down the center, from Blue Ledge Farms in Vermont. Sweet fancy Moses that is ridiculously good cheese. http://www.blueledgefarm.com/Go. Order. Now. We tasted it for the first time at my cousin’s restaurant Applewood in Brooklyn, and had to have it shipped in for the party. So very very delish.

Charming Suitor and I agreed that nothing says “perfect dinner party” more than when a group of people, some of whom have only known each other for a couple of hours, can laugh so hard together that they are all wiping tears and clutching sides. For me, it is the moment when someone says, “Stop, I’m going to pee.” Because laughing till you almost pee is the best laughter there is.

It definitely beats laughing till you actually pee.

Peeing on oneself once you have achieved an age of double digits is just, um, problematic. On many levels. And yet, I have recently discovered that many many people have really great stories about that very thing. And in a bit of irony, they are mostly so funny that they will indeed make you laugh hard enough that you just might, well, pee.

I will suggest you might want to take a short bathroom break right about now.

La di da. Dum da dum. Done? Good.

For me, urine has often been a source of stress. I was a bed-wetter till I was about nine or so, making childhood sleepovers an exercise in restraint, not drinking anything for hours before bed, no matter how thirsty I got, and waking paranoid every couple of hours or so to sneak off to the bathroom, squeezing as hard as I could just to be sure any stray drops didn’t betray me later. I think I was the only nine-year old who did Kegels without even knowing it.

My first trip to the lady-parts doc involved a small accident with a full- to-the-brim urine sample, and a small lump in the doctor’s office carpet. When I tripped, my arm made a wide sweeping arc forward and over my head, sending a truly spectacular flourish of still-warm specimen all over the walls and ceiling. It was much like a Vegas hotel fountain show, I only lacked lighting and dramatic music. Hilarious to those present in the waiting room, and to me now, but at the time, well, you can imagine how mortifying. All I remember is thinking “Great. And now, I still have to let some strange adult person look at my crotch up close.” That, and we had to stick around the office long enough for me to muster up another sample, since apparently, scraping it off the wall wasn’t a viable option.

Lucky for me, and my girlfriends, I outgrew the bedwetting, and went on to a long career of totally fun slumber parties. I learned the important lesson of watching your feet when carrying things you don’t want to spill. I also became something of a camel, and to this day can, if I choose, go hours and hours without needing to hit the ladies, making me excellent on road trips.

When I was fifteen or so, the family was gathered in the living room to watch the Grammy’s or some other musical event. Crystal Gayle was doing a performance on the show. Remember Crystal Gayle? She was the bewitching songstress popular in the mid-seventies thru early eighties who was famous not only for her song stylings, but for the mane of glossy brunette hair that swept literally around her ankles. For this performance she was wearing a spangly mini dress and strode around the stage, her flowing locks cascading behind her as she moved. When she finally stopped center stage for the final powerful note, she stood strong, legs planted apart, arms over her head, the note going on forever. Her hair made a long graduated V nearly to the floor. And mid-belt, my dad, almost offhand said softly:

“She really should trim those pubes.”

And I laughed, you guessed it, TILL I PEED. Mere months away from being a licensed driver, halfway through high school, and I laughed so hard that I just did not make it to the bathroom, and I peed in my pants, doubled over, trying to stop the flow, all the way from the living room to the bathroom.

Recently I was sharing this story with a girlfriend, who lives in a large highrise, on a top floor, at the end of a long hallway. She confessed that a few months ago she was in her car on the way home and realized she had to pee. By the time she got to her building and parked, it was really bad. We talked about the weird phenomenon where you might just have to pee a little, but somehow when you get home it gets ridiculously urgent, so bad that you can barely get the key in the door before feeling like you might not make it. For me, this has meant more than a few quick staggers from the front door to the bathroom, coat and purse flung behind me as I go, but I live on the first floor. For my girlfriend, by the time the elevator got to her floor, it was too late.

She peed.

All the way down the hallway, leaving a steady little trickle mark on the carpet from the elevator till about halfway to her apartment. She lives in a dog friendly building, so she figured it would be blamed on the elderly cocker spaniels from 1704.

I mentioned this story at lunch with another friend who said that was nothing. She had to have an ultrasound a couple of years ago, and for that you have to have a full bladder. She drank and drank water from the moment she woke up in preparation. Her appointment was scheduled for twelve-thirty, which she thought would be fine. Until she got in a cab to head to the doctor’s office. And hit traffic. She sat in the back of the cab with her legs crossed, cramping and sweating, until finally she couldn’t take it anymore. She told the cab to pull over in front of a restaurant up the block and asked the driver to wait for her. She got inside, a large open room with a central staircase of floating glass stairs winding up to the second level. She asked the hostess for the bathroom, and the girl pointed up the stairs. My friend hit the first step and her bladder just let go. She thought briefly about trying to run up the stairs and then thought better of it, and instead strode calmly upwards, as if nothing in the world was amiss, with what she described as an inhuman amount of pee running down the staircase.

In the middle of the lunch rush.

Yesterday morning, in the glorious balmy spring weather, Charming Suitor and I took his dog The Amazing Wonder Boy for a long walk around my neighborhood. Up the block is a lovely little church, and on the sidewalk they had placed a sandwich board announcing Easter Mass and inviting everyone to come attend.

Wonder Boy strode up to it, looked at it with his little head tilted as if reading the invitation, then lifted his leg and peed on it.

When you gotta go, you just gotta go.

Meanwhile, it has been a while since I posted a recipe, and this is one you gotta try…
Adapted from the recipe for the unctuous filling of the Edamame Dumplings at Buddakan in NYC, named by Charming Suitor as the sexiest food in the world, to become the best dip ever. It was thoroughly praised Saturday night, and I give it to you to try at your next event…

Edamame Dip
Serves 8-12 as an appetizer

3 c Edamame (I buy these frozen and already out of the pod, or you will be shelling them forever)
½ c good quality unsalted butter, at room temp
½ c heavy cream
½ c white truffle oil
Salt and pepper to taste
Onion Sprouts or chopped chives

Boil Edamame until tender in well-salted water, about 6-8 minutes. Puree in food processor with rest of ingredients until very smooth, and season to taste. Serve room temperature or slightly warmed sprinkled with onion sprouts or chopped chives.

I served it with carrots, radishes, cucumber, jicama and sesame crackers for dipping.