Snacember 14

Everyone starting to get a little "hurry up with the holidays already"?

Mid December, my energy starts to wane a bit.  In part, because Christmas is not the holiday of my people, and I begin to lose my heart-warmed fascination with the twinkle lights and generousity of spirit, and I start to go all "Really?  With the flipping Christmas music 24 HOURS A DAY, really?".  It matters not that my people wrote and recorded some of the best holiday tunes, there are only so many times one wants to hear Barbra do White Christmas.

I want to be able to go to the grocery store without being accosted by red suited fat men in beards wielding bells and buckets asking for my spare change, and go back to being accosted by plastic bag suited skinny men in stubble wielding windshield solution and rags asking for my spare change.

I try so very hard not to let the Humbug take hold, especially since I do get the anticipation of spending Christmas Eve watching Amazing Goddaughter open her presents with true wonder and loud exclamations of delight, and Christmas Day with some of my other favorite Gentiles, Officer K and his family, with the Christmas ham and all the trimmings.  Yum!  Holiday cheer!

But those wonderful celebrations that bring me back to the place where I love and appreciate this holiday that isn't mine are still a week and a half away, and I've been listening to freaking Sleigh Ride since Halloween!

Which means I need a moment (or five) of Zen.

If you are also having your patience a little frazzled- whether it is anticipating hoardes of relatives descending upon you, or the frustration of not yet being able to find the last Zhou Zhou Dream House or whatever your kid needs to prevent Xmas Morning Meltdown, or if you too are not of a background that includes Xmas as one of its holidays and are really sick of having someone elses stuff foisted upon you everywhere you go- here are my five best tips for regaining balance.

1.  Tea.  Really good tea, made in a small pot, and served with milk and real sugar, in a pretty tea cup.  With some cookies on the side.  I put it all on a little tray, and snuggle up in a cozy chair in my front window, a wrap around my shoulders and a good book in my lap, and for an hour or so, I just read and sip and take little mouse-like nibbles and let everything get back to even.



My teapot of choice.
















Their winter collection, warming and yummy.















The perfect crispy spicy cookie to go with tea!









2.  Bath.  Hot bath.  Long bath. With candles.  And double bubbles.  And by double bubbles, I mean bubbles in the bath and in my glass.   I guarantee you that a long soak in fragrant water with a glass or two of champagne (preferably pink!) will lift your spirits tremendously.  Open that bottle of sparkles that someone brought to your last party.  Or pick up something special for yourself.  Gruet makes a very affordable and delicious sparkling wine, and yes they have pink, and they also come in half-bottles.  Remember you are trying to mellow out, not get schnockered.







I like stemless flutes for bathing, less likely to have a tip-over incident.  These are also great for parties!













For the most delicious smelling candles, I go with Kobo!










3.  Buttered Egg Noodles.  Seriously, I don't know why, but they always make me feel better.  I like the extra wide ones, but use whatever you prefer, or any other pasta you like, what matters is that they are slicked with the barest hint of really good butter and some salt, in a bowl on my lap.  I resist every urge to gussy them up with lemon zest or chopped parsley or cheese, and remind myself that what will make me happiest is just the simplest bowl of childhood comfort food. 




Plugra is my go to butter.  And it does make a difference.












4.  Eloise.  Yes, the kids book.  Eloise is what works for me, but you can grab any of your own childhood faves.  I am instantly transported to when this time of year meant winter vacation and no school and plenty of time to read and presents and everything wonderful. 




Eloise is my go-to girl.  I still want to be her when I grow up.
















The Little House series always made me feel better, especially since I was not living on the prairie trying to keep warm in front of a wood-burning stove.













The Phantom Tollbooth is one of those books that actually can become even more meaningful when you come back to it as a grown up.















The Once and Future King sparked a lifetime love of all things Camelot.











5.  List making.  I know that list making doesn't really seem like fun, or particularly calming, but I don't mean the traditional lists that you have to make all the time for errand-running or grocery shopping.  I mean hopeful lists.  Wish lists.  Pretend you are a kid and it isn't inappropriate to create a totally materialistic list of stuff you long for lists?  Make a list of places you want to travel, or adventures you want to have.  Think bucket list.  Partnered?  Make a list of all the things you want to do or see with your sweetie.  Single?  Make a list of everything you want your future honey to be.  Dream big,  be honest, and take the time to fully indulge in the fantasy.  Yes, winning the lottery is a valid dream, I have all kinds of plans for when I do.  And no, World Peace and Cure for Cancer are not for these lists.  These need to be personal and self-indulgent.

Some things on my "lottery winning list"...




IPad.  Need I really say more?

Cutipol Ebony Flatware.  I want twelve placesettings of this like I want air.  Charming Suitor and I first saw this stuff in Montreal, and both of us immediately fell in love with the line from Portugal.  Both casual and elegant, and beautifully made.  Yum.

Queen Size Serta Perfect Day Waking Hour Mattress with Mega Euro Top.  Matress of the Gods.  The tallest, squishiest, most cloudlike mattress EVER.  I own my Princess and the Pea tendancies, and this bed is insanely amazing.

Thermomix TM31  This machine defies description, but for simplicity, lets just say it is a blender that cooks.  It also makes risotto. And purees of things that have a texture so ethereal it is like a mouthful of velvet.  They won't sell them in the US, but the Canadian ones have the same plugs and I'm desperately trying to finagle one.  Also?  I might have to hock a kidney, since these puppies cost more than all my other small appliances combined.








Some other things?  I want my books to go all bestseller, I want someone to option them for film and television, and to rake in eleventy million dollars.  I want to buy my building and convert it into a single house and hire NY Penny to help me and Charming Suitor make it the coziest most beautiful place on the planet.  I want a little house in France where Charming Suitor and I can hole up for a couple of months a year, meeting quirky locals and eventually being embraced by the community.  I want to never ever get another piece of Spam mail.  I want some doctors to discover the key to long life and health on a total pasta and chocolate cake diet.  I want everyone I love to get everything they want too.

Okay.  I feel better. I think I can get through the next couple of weeks.

What's on your list?

Yours in Good Taste,
The Polymath

There is No App For That

It is official. I am a marketing sucker. No better than a kid who sees a commercial for Super Bubble Sugar Bombs Breakfast cereal promising a secret decoder ring in the box, and becomes a single-minded creature wracked by longing, feverish with desire. I love pretty packaging, I am powerless in the face of "coolness" and the right spokesperson can make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

And I really REALLY wanted to not want an IPad. I wanted to acknowledge Apple’s genius, to respect the sleek packaging, and yet, to not have a soul-sucking sense of covetousness every time I see the damn billboards and commercials.

I am not being terribly successful in this endeavor.

The logical, intelligent side of me recognizes that I have talked myself into many small gadgets, a significant percentage of them Apple products, over the years. One of these is myIPod Touch, which I love and adore and which has literally made both air travel and exercise not only tolerable, but often even pleasant and entertaining. And since the IPad is essentially the Honey, I Blew Up The Baby version of my lovely Touch, there really isn’t much need. Or ANY need. The Touch does every single thing that the IPad would do, just smaller. It is not an investment that I have any single reason to make. I have the Kindle App, which allows me to read books. I can watch movies and television easily. I can check the scores of my teams and read the top news stories and play games. And since, despite my rapidly advancing age, my eyesight is still good, there is not one of these things that needs to happen on a larger scale. And then there are all those other delicious Apps. The Moron Test, and the cool travel stuff. I have a dream dictionary which helps me determine the meaning of that weird black and white octupus chasing me in the night (actual meaning, don't eat pizza close to bedtime). I have the Louvre App if I need to see some art RIGHT NOW. I have Apps to find places to eat, and Apps to find taxis, I even have an App solely for the identification of cheese.

My friend Jen Lancaster is part of a new syndicated column called Humor Hotel, and her most recent article is about the Apps she wishes they made. I especially like her idea for a “How Long do I Have to Get Home Before the Pit Bull Whizzes in the Basement” App. Because I hate that Jen has to constantly battle the effluvious emissions of her menagerie, but also because I spend time in that basement, and it is always more enjoyable if it does not smell like pit pee. The article is really funny, you should read it here.

But it got me thinking about my own list of Apps that would be useful….

For example, I am in a constant battle with my digestive system, which alternately works totally fine (and therefore craves things that are not particularly healthy for it, in quantities which contribute to my lifelong struggle with the size of my butt), and then goes all catawampus and makes me bilious and unable to fully enjoy life. As a result, I am beyond diligent about food safety. I throw away anything with an expiration date the second the clock hits midnight on that day, and no amount of smelling it and telling me it is fine can stop me. Leftovers and prepared foods from the store hit the can after two days. I won’t buy meat on sale, even if I plan to cook it that night, because I am sure it is close to being thoroughly toxic. I won’t eat street food, no matter how delicious it smells, no matter how clean the cart and cook looks, not even if Anthony Bourdain himself has touted it as the best damn whatever he has ever put in his gaping maw.

My life as a passionate foodie and cook is also an exercise in “please PLEASE please let me not throw up”. My poor Charming Suitor is bearing the brunt of this mania, since he lives much more on the edge of funky when it comes to foodstuffs, and quite rightly feels that my obsessiveness in this area is a little severe. I am working on trying not to say “you are going to eat those leftovers from FIVE DAYS AGO?!?!” when I am at his house, since his relationship with his tummy is his own business, and to my knowledge, he does not poison himself with any regularity. On the flip side, he also had to spend a truly miserable weekend with me out at the Farm where I managed to give myself water poisoning (algae in the water cooler, who knew?) and had to entertain himself while I spent the better part of the day communing with the toilet instead of taking romantic walks or going exploring. So he does understand and is very tolerant of my need for caution.

So I would dearly love a “Go Ahead and Eat That” App that would tell me yay or nay on whether something I am about to consider eating is going to cause gastric holocaust.

A “World’s Best Boyfriend GPS Locator” App sure would have come in handy during the years I spent endlessly dating badly while Charming Suitor was living only 2.4 miles away from me.

Ditto a “Profile Lie Detector” App for all those online guys and gals who create interesting fictions about themselves and waste the time of those of us who actually like their potential dates single, age appropriate, and honest. A "There Will Not Be Anyone There For You" Event App would also be great for Singles who often feel obliged to get reasonably dolled up and attend things they aren't actually interested in on the off chance their soul mate might be there.

While mine is pretty finely tuned, I have plenty of pals who could really use a “Gaydar” App, so that they can stop inventing romances with guys they “have such a strong chemistry with” but who are not actually on their team.

A “How Long Before I Kill This Plant” App would come in handy for people like me who have black thumbs, since plunking down $20 on a Home Depot potted orchid is only cost effective if I can get at least a month out of it before it is terminal.

Or a “Your Friend Will Get Three of Those” present detector App, to eliminate embarrassment at birthday parties, weddings and baby showers.

I would dearly love a “Safe to Leave the Bathroom” App that would warn me if my skirt was tucked into the back of my tights or if I had a toilet paper runner attached to my shoe. Order now and it comes with a trial version of a “You Have Something Stuck in Your Teeth” App.

And a "There is a Mindless Marathon of Some Stupidly Enjoyable Guilty Pleasure Show That You Are Too Embarassed to Tivo On This Weekend" App would really assist in creating the need to be at home of a Sunday.

For now, I am still enjoying the heck out of my IPod Touch, and the Apps that do exist. And I’m working on my knee-jerk “I WANT” reaction to the IPad.

If only a “You Don’t Really Need That” App was on the market to talk me off the ledge.

What Apps do you need in your life?