More Wallpaper Notes and a Mini Contest!

As many of you know, I had some really good fun at my dear pal Jen Lancaster's wallpaper's expense earlier this week.  You can read my snarkiness here.

Nothing says warm and inviting kitchen better than crazed monkeys attempting to make yakitori out of actual Asian men.

And sometimes, wallpaper fights back.

My darling Charming Suitor lives, as one would expect, in a Charming Bungalow.  Built in 1918, and renovated in the 1950s, it is classic Chicago architecture and completely, well, Charming!  And in this Charming Bungalow is a Charming Kitchen that has the 1950's awesome steel kitchen cabinets with the chrome handles.  Being that the cabinets were actually installed in the 1950s, there aren't a lot of them, just one lower unit that houses the kitchen sink, and then a large wall unit above the sink where Charming Suitor kept all his Charming Plates and Glasses and Bowls and Vases etc.

And this week, whilst we were sleeping snugly at my house, the Charming Cabinet decided it was tired of the wall.  60 plus years of hanging in one place, stocked to the gills with heavy stoneware and glassware, it's little open shelf on the bottom filled with oils and vinegars and spices and such.  It was bored.  Or maybe slightly suicidal.  Maybe it had heard that at some point it was likely that Charming Suitor might in fact be planning on taking up permanent residence at my own equally Charming abode.  Perhaps it was having a Betty Draper hissy fit, going all "I can't even FACE the idea of him dating another kitchen cabinet."and since a cabinet cannot chain smoke or suck down eleven martinis, it just decided to make a statement. 

A big statement.

CS returned to his house to discover the cats, brawny indoor/outdoor toms, named for manly sport heroes, who can face down the neighborhood mastiff with nary a moment of fear, huddled in the corner, holding each other.

A peek down the hallway revealed a ktichen floor covered wall to wall with shards of glass and pottery.

Hmmm.  That's weird.

"Methinks I have been burgled!"  CS thought to himself as he cautiously moved in to investigate.

That seems wrong.

And discovered the lovely cabinet, and all of its contents, no longer attached to the wall even the tiniest bit.

Oh, there's nothing good about this...

Bad for glassware.

Its the Poseidon Adventure at the Pottery Barn!

Yes Greg, that's a full gainer off the wall!





A lifetime of lovingly collected dishware and cookware and glasses and mugs, kaplooie.  Not just broken, EXPLODED.  It was all kinds of Kristallnacht in there.  Some items had literally been pulverized to powder.

Self-Explanatory.

It was NOT CHARMING.

The cabinet, only slightly bent and dented here and there, was not so much worse for wear.

Desperate cry for help from kitchen cabinet.

The wall, original 1918 lathe and plaster, was cracked and had a couple big holes, and....well....this:

I know this stuff is making a comeback, but...

...does it really need GLITTER?

Jen, you MAY NOT try to find this wallpaper for your house.  Step away from the light, Carol Anne.

Yep, a large rectangle of this 1950s kitchen theme wallpaper, WITH GOLD GLITTER ACCENTS.

Jen believes that this wallpaper pushed the cabinet off the wall in order to prove that kitschy wallpaper WILL NOT BE DENIED. 

A couple of other friends implied that I might have sneakily loosened a bolt or taken a crowbar to the unit, in order to speed up the "purge and merge" process.  (This was not made less viable by the fact that the eight plates and six bowls of mine that were currently living in the cabinet were all amongst the survivors.)

My parents both asked if it was related to the moth problem of last week, but I am pretty sure that fifteen half-dead grain moths from the pantry could not have caused this level of damage.

CS filled three enormous garbage cans with shattered glass and pottery, called a fabulous handyman, and the cabinet is now firmly reattached to the wall, as if nothing had ever been amiss.

There were THREE of these!

The cats are suffering from Vietnam flashbacks, so we are not slamming doors these days.

And yes, we did save a piece of the wallpaper for possible framing.

It will look absolutely Charming.

In my kitchen.

I'd love to hear about your own Charming household disasters....post them in the comments section and the top 20 answers will get a signed copy of Good Enough to Eat and a limited edition GETE promotional apron! 

And thank you to CS, who provided pics, most of the captions, and the kind of sense of humor to give permission for me to share this story with you all.

Yours in good taste,
The Polymath

Because Sometimes Editorializing is Required

Well, Chickens, today it is important to talk about true friendship.  I don't mean surface "of course you look fine/love your new hair/I'm sure he'll call" friendship.  I mean deep-down-for-life-besties with actual "that color makes you look like an Oompa Loompa/Kristy McNichol called and said feathered hair is out/he's a fartweasel and you shouldn't care that he will never call" friendship.  The kind of friends who show up to lunch with cupcakes or bourbon or both, depending on whether you are celebrating or commiserating.  The kind of friends who congratulate you on your successes and call you on your bullshit and who know your honesty is a gift, and so they forgive you.

Me, reading in an overly dramatic way that makes me look like a lizard, Jen on the left, watching and thinking "Oh, honey, you're gonna need some chemical peel on that neck if you don't stop making that face, bless your heart."

It is no surprise to anyone that one of my truest and dearest friends is the incomparable Jen Lancaster.  She said a whole bunch of really nice stuff about me here.  She is often saying nice stuff about me, and if you know me, most of the time I am saying nice stuff about her too.  I've always been grateful to Printer's Row Book Fair for fixing us up on our first blind date, and to the Universe for ensuring that we would choose to have a second date.  I met Jen before I met her books, and then was delighted to find that same snarky wit present in her work that I so enjoy in her company. 

The fact that our current books are dedicated to each other sort of says it all. And if you haven't read her stuff, go buy it right now.  Just click here!

Many things have changed for me since Jen came into my life.  I now have a small Real Housewives additiction, whereas before Jen, I was pretty reality-TV free.  I have a renewed love of all things 1980s, and have now been given multiple chances to embarass myself in public with outfits almost entirely made of THINGS I STILL OWN FROM HIGH SCHOOL. 

Not only am I wearing my own stuff from HS, but Tracey is wearing one of my old jackets and some jewelry. 
Jen, of course, just looks like Jen.

I have had more girls nights and cupcakes than I can count, and a ridiculous amount of laughter. 

When I met my Charming Suitor, from the very first date, Jen led the charge of Team Charming Suitor, our other gal-pals Gina and Tracey following suit, and at every step of our budding relationship she quizzed and queried and cheer-led and generally made it clear that she was in absolute unflagging support of my new relationship, even though she knew it would alter the amount of time we could spend together. 

And when she decided to up and move her madras-clad ass up to the suburbs, effectively eliminating our spontaneous midday pilgrimages to Whole Foods, not to mention our standing Wednesday night girl dates, I made a lot of noise, I made a lot of snarky comments, and I sneered....and then I went out to see the houses they were looking at and gave honest opinions, and eventually, my blessing.  Because you want your friends to get what they want, even if it sucks for you.

Today, Jen has a post up on her blog that encourages you to come see me, and by proxy her, at my signings this week.  She also shows off some of the window treatments and wallpaper that came with the new house.  And as her best friend, I feel it important to point some things out about these items. 

When we went to see this particular house I said many honest true things. 

It has great bones.  It is in impeccable shape.  It feels like them.  I could see them really enjoying life there.  It has some wonderful special Jen/Fletchy details.  (no, I am not talking about the gun rack in the kitchen, I am talking about the sun porch and the special icemaker.  the gun rack is just a scary bonus.)

But since I am honest, I will say the following.

Whoever originally chose the wallpaper and window treatments for this house was deranged or heavily medicated or perhaps had seen Changing Rooms once too many times. 

Below is Jen's current post, you'll see my notes peppered throughout....

At some point I'm going to learn to make announcements prior to the last minute.
Today is not one of those days.
But so you know, my friend Stacey Ballis is doing some book signings this week and Fletch and I will be there. Okay, maybe Fletch won't be at the second one, but he's definitely coming tonight as he's currently in the middle of a steamy bromance with Gina's boyfriend.

For which I am very grateful, since Fletch's man-crush on Charming Suitor led to a very uncomfortable drunken lap dance at last year's 80s bash, and it was definitely time for his affections to be spread around.

Here are the specifics:
Tuesday September 14
7pm
Reading/Signing
Barnes and Noble Webster Place
1441 W. Webster
Chicago IL
773-871-3610


Thursday September 16
7:30pm
Reading/Signing
Barnes and Noble Old Orchard
55 Old Orchard Shopping Center
Skokie IL
847-676-2230


Friday September 17
7pm
Emcee for the Annual Grown Up Spelling Bee (yep, a spelling bee. with prizes. there may be slots available, so call and sign up!)
The Book Cellar
4736 N Lincoln Ave
Chicago IL
773-293-2665


I won't actually be at the spelling bee one as I have to go to court that day regarding the idiots who tried to break into my house. (Related story - after this happened, my friend Caprice emailed me and was all, "YOU ALMOST GOT ROBBED?" to which I replied, "No, two morons almost got shot. Big difference.")


(I imagine this is not a story I will share with the judge.)

I imagine that she will also refrain from mentioning that she practically live-tweeted the event, and that the way she told Fletch there was a problem was by running through the house yelling "Perimeter Breach!!!"

Anyway, as you know, I've moved. I may have mentioned this a couple of hundred times. However, I haven't said much about the house and that's been intentional. The thing is, it's tough sledding out there for a lot of people right now. Many folks aren't buying new homes so much as they are trying desperately not to lose their old one. If they aren't in short sale or foreclosure, they're underwater on their mortgage or in a situation where a mortgage isn't even a distant possibility.


Trust me, I know what that's like; I've been there.


In regard to this house, I don't want to be all, "And this! Could be yours! If you were me!"


I'd rather just share the funny stuff, ergo today I'm rolling out...


THE GALLERY OF UNFORTUNATE WALLPAPER


When we ran across our house on the MLS, we immediately wrote it off. We didn't want to see it and I put "the wallpaper will haunt my dreams" in the comments section. But eventually we switched realtors and our new lady brought us here. And although we still hated the wallpaper, she helped us look past it to see an impeccably maintained home, with solid construction and a new roof and a yard the dogs would love.

At this point they brought me out to see the house, and both Jen and Fletch made all sorts of noises about the plans they were making design-wise, the desire to bring in a professional for guidence, they bandied about terms like "color story" and "design plan" and "wallpaper removal".

I would like to point out that later that night I called our friend Penny and made the following Nostradamus-like predictions:

1.  Jen and Fletch would buy this house, and be happy there.
2. They would end up keeping a huge percentage of both hideous wallpapers and tragic window treatments, as the love for the house and an affinity for kitsch would eventually be the downfall of future design.
3.  In either the packing or unpacking they would find the video camera purportedly stolen by a former cleaning service, prompting the cancellation of said service.


So here we are. Now let's get on with the show.


Did I say elephant in the living room? I meant elephant in the great room.

Yeah, it's a curtain and not wallpaper but I felt it had to be seen. Also, the more I live with this piece, the more it charms me. These curtains are pulling me in... not unlike the light in Poltergeist.

It is not a window treatment.  It is the curtain to the sideshow of the Circus of the Criminally Insane.  And slightly shiny, which doesn't really come across in this photo.  On the upside, if one is going to be possessed of five cats, providing this volume of tassels for their enjoyment will only save you money in cat toys in the long run.


Also, in terms of curtains, I'd be remiss if I didn't say that I like these in the master.

Not bad, right? Pretty matchy-matchy with our stuff, too.

More tassels.  But she is right, of all of the violations, this is very minor.


(BTW, I'm sorry about how blurry the photos are. I think I got my iPhone sweaty yesterday when I was outside.)


(Also not pictured, enormous muddy paw prints all over the duvet. Loki likes to get wet, dig for chipmunks, and then jump on the beds. It's AWESOME.)


Anyway, this is where the curtains go a bit off the rails.

And by "a bit off the rails" Jen means to say "holy shit, it's Satan's golf pantaloons!".
You would think I'd be all over pink and green striped balloon valances. You would be wrong. Just because I collect Barbies doesn't mean I want to live in her Dream House.

Methinks she doth protest too much....and if you think I am lying, do ask that she post pics of the guest room, which looks like it could be Barbie's Suite at Betty Ford.


Now we'll move onto the first paper you see once you walk in.

This isn't so awful, except that it's frigging everywhere - in the foyer, down the hall to the bedrooms, down the hall to the kitchen, up the stairs, and in the loft area. And for the record, I don't own a single thing that matches powder blue flowers.

This also, not so bad.  Especially considering what comes later....


Hey, at this point of the tour is anyone hungry? What would you prefer?


Raspberries?


Perhaps some kind of game bird?


Fortunately in my dining room, you don't have to choose.

Again, this is some of the stuff that made me bark with laughter when I first saw it, but now at night the room almost takes on a certain glow and... the light, Jen! Run away from the light!

Jen fails to mention the entire lack of SCALE in this print.  When is the last time you saw a raspberry three times the size of a phesant's HEAD? 

NOTE:  Dear Wallpaper Designers, Please step away from the crack pipe. Thank you, Stacey


 

Pretty tame comparatively, right? I think so, too. Expect this to stick around for a while.


The colors on this are in fact pretty tame, and it is in good shape, so I gave it my tentative approval. I also said to stay away from embroidery in the towels and accessories, we shall see if that sank in...

The next couple of entries aren't so bad either on their own, but when you put them together with everything else... I'm not sure I understand the statement they were making as a whole.


Unless that statement is, "Let's see how much unrelated wallpaper we can slap on these walls."


This is the upstairs guest bath.

Nosegays, wherefore art there nosegays?

In the context of the rest of the room, it works. For now.


And this is the laundry room.

The walls don't have pink spots. I think that's a function of my sweaty iPhone.


Were it not for the stupid border, I'd be fine with this bathroom's paper, too.

However, this room becomes less okay when you see the related bedroom wallpaper.

What prompts a person to say, "You know what this room needs? Eight thousand powder blue ribbons repeating all over the walls."


Please feel free to do your best Nancy Kerrigan impersonation here, crying, "Whhhhhhyyyyyyy? Whhhhhhyyyyyyyy? WWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYY?" I know I have.


Also, not pictured? The two inch thick Cookie Monster blue shag carpeting.


Also not pictured?  Stacey weeping openly, and begging Jen and Fletch to at least consider painting over it...I feel like one of those Toddlers in Tiaras is going to pop out of a closet with her little dentures gnashing and her mascara running, going all Chucky in this suite.

Now, you epileptics in the group might want to avert your eyes for this.

Staring at this, I can see through time.

Can you see through time to a place where some interior designer sat in front of a pile of cocaine and this wallpaper swatch saying "THIS ONE!  IT HAS TO BE THIS ONE!  BUT IT NEEDS SOMETHING...."


Yet to get the full effect, you need to check out the border, too.

"...CHINESE MUSICIAN BORDER!!!!  sssssnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiffffffffffffffff"

The room is so visually stimulating that it's hard to keep ones balance while using the powder room. I tell girls to spot the border and boys to stare at the towels. So far no casualties, but it was touch and go for a minute on Labor Day.

I told Jen in no uncertain terms to lock this room during parties, as even the most minimally tipsy guest is going to vomit Ro-Tel dip the moment they enter this powder room. 

Hmmm.  POWDER room.  (see note on coke-sniffing designer)


Seriously, those beige birds are looking pretty good right now, aren't they?


And finally, for those who didn't believe me when I mentioned that the kitchen wallpaper was covered in monkeys perpetrating hate crimes against Asian men...

Ghastly.  And vaguely racist.
As for this stuff?


The light is dangerous! Don't go near it! Don't even look at the light!

Wait for it, wait for it....


Too late.


I already love it.

Told you so. 

(Notice she didn't mention that she already had some wooden monkey art that matches it nicely.)


Anyway, hope to see you guys tonight or Thursday.

As do I.


You'll recognize me because I'll be the gal holding paint swatches.

Also?  They found the video camera :)

In all seriousness, despite my fun at their wallpaper's expense, it is a lovely house, and both Jen and Fletch are all glowy since moving, and I wish them years of happiness.

And I promise, on behalf of all who love them, I'll keep working on the wallpaper issue....